Traffic in India

I came to India in 2001 to see my friend and former associate, Vinod Melvani, get married in Mumbai and I will never, ever forget the experience of riding in a car. We sat three across in the back of a old, large touring car, it may have been a Bentley. Our driver didn't speak English but he was as cool as a cucumber. While the others closed our eyes, one of us kept watch out the window just so we had a recollection of what we hit if we survived the crash.

For this trip, I am lucky enough to still have a fearless driver and while the car is now a small SUV/jeep type vehicle, the traffic has not improved one bit. Because I am a guest, they make me sit up front so I can see clearly what is going to kill us. It occured to me today that I had not observed any traffic signs such as speed limits. Then I realized that there are no signs because there are no rules. Who could write them?

For instance, everyone knows that cows are protected so they have the right of way. But who has the right of way on a two lane road with no shoulders in the following situations:

• the woman walking down the middle of the road bringing in her cattle for the night or the dumptruck coming from the left or the motorcyle coming from the right?
• you or the double-ox cart carrying an oversized load that spans fully one and a half lanes?

Answer: don't ask me, I close my eyes each time.

How long can a flock of ducks stop traffic in both directions?
Answer: as long as it takes. Same for loose pigs.

If women have spread grain stalks all across the road, do you slow down and run over it or go around it?
Answer: you go over it slowly. They put it there on purpose so that the tires will separate the grain from the shaft thereby elminating the need for them to beat it.

Should you ever blow your horn at people in the village who are standing in the road as you are passing through town at breakneck speed?
Answer: yes always, unless you plan to run them over.

How many people can fit into a three-wheeled autorickshaw designed to hold one driver and two adults in the back seat?
Answer: unknown upper limit. At last count there were two sitting with the driver, three across the back seat with one on the floor and a family of four riding on the tailgate. Seat belts optional.

What is the maximum limit load that a woman walking can carry on her head?
Answer: if she can still move under her own power and remain upright, she can carry it.

How many people can legally ride on a motorcyle?
Answer: at least one child in front of the driver, a small child wedged in between and a mother wearing a sari and riding side saddle holding an infant in her arms without hanging on. Helmets are immaterial. If the bike goes down, they're all dead anyways.

Are there any illegal forms of transportation?
Not that I can tell but I haven't seen any camels yet. I did on the first trip.